The Writer's Journal: Conception Journey

Hello Darling,

It’s been almost a year since I last talked about our conceiving journey. I have tried to write this entry more than once since June.

There hasn’t been much to update, but it has been a very emotional year. While the negative pregnancy tests haven’t gotten any easier to see, more hard blows came after my consult to discuss “next steps”.

Around Springtime I went in for bloodwork and the promised consult if trying on our own with ovulation tracking still wasn’t working. While my difficulties continued, my doctor wanted to rule out other possibilities including PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome). I hit most of the boxes, because PCOS does include a broad spectrum of possible indicators like irregular periods. It was a bizarre mix of emotions that day in the exam room, it was like we wanted it to be ruled as PCOS just to feel confident we have a name for the issue. Or if not PCOS, then something else that could be detected from the blood panel.

After having over six vials of blood drawn, I anxiously awaited the results over the next few days. For every unknown telephone ring, I would drop everything, scrambling to answer my phone.

Finally, I got the call I had been agonizing over. I was partially shocked at the results, especially with how my body has been acting. I thought for sure that if it didn’t indicate PCOS, it would at least hint towards something else – but no, it didn’t. In fact, they said my bloodwork came back perfectly healthy. I felt more at square one than before and threw me into a really low mental state for months. I knew something was wrong with me, but what could it possibly be?

Our next options were to continue trying naturally or seek a fertility specialist. Basically – I hit this physicians wall block and now I needed to go to someone else for answers. The same song and dance I’d been doing since my early twenties. Despite living near a large city, it feels incredibly small when you’re trying to find a reputable OB/GYN who specializes in helping those trying to conceive who also have chronic pain and irregular periods…and works within the limitations of your health insurance.

While this year has brought on a lot of new adventures and challenges for us, trying to navigate this continues to be a severely sensitive topic. While we have a great support system, it’s hard to not feel frustrated some days and hard to not feel like a failure. We still get questions of how are things going and I usually say “same old same old” but really, it’s “really fucking frustrating and I hate my body”.

I decided to wait for 2022 before pursuing a fertility specialist. I felt like I had been wracking my brain and beating myself up so much over this mystery and to chase another rabbit hole felt intimidating. I let myself “give up”, give up ovulation tracking, give up period obsessing, give up diet obsessing, anything to help give up obsessing over any part of it…to try to just breathe and re-center my emotions on the topic.

While I’m still anxious about the idea of having to seek out a specialist, I’m hopeful we’ll find the best plan of action to take. We aren’t giving up and after using these past few months to just breathe and tackle my other dreams, I’m feeling better about accepting this challenge, my body, and feel like I am in a better head space now to face this new journey on finding out what our next steps are from here.

Until Next Time,

M.E.